What I’ve Learned Since Leaving an 8-Year Relationship

Leaving an 8-year relationship did not just mean walking away from a person. It meant slowly finding my way back to myself.

Since the split, I have learned so much about who I really am, and in many ways, it has been both painful and beautiful. When you spend years being criticised, blamed, and made to question yourself, you start to lose sight of the parts of you that once came naturally.

You become smaller without even realising it. But once the noise fades, the truth starts to return.

One of the biggest things I have realised is that I am an extremely tactile and affectionate person. I am warm, open, and physically affectionate with the people I care about.

I hug my friends, my children, my male friends, and even some of the new people I am meeting in this new chapter of my life. That side of me almost disappeared while I was in that relationship. I didn’t feel free to be soft, relaxed, or naturally affectionate. Now, I can see that there was never anything wrong with that part of me. It was simply buried in an environment that made me shut parts of myself down.

I have also rediscovered how much I enjoy cooking. During the relationship, I stopped enjoying it because nothing ever felt good enough. There was always criticism, always something negative attached to it, and over time I just lost that joy.

Now, I cook at home, make overnight oats, try new meals, and even bake with the kids. Sometimes it goes wrong. Sometimes things flop completely. But even then, we laugh, we make memories, and we still have an amazing time. That matters more than perfection ever did.

I have learned that I am hardworking. In fact, I am very hardworking. After years of being told I do nothing, I now see clearly that it was gaslighting. It was never true. The people who genuinely know me do not tell me I am lazy or useless.

If anything, they tell me to sit down, take five, slow down, and stop taking on so much. I am proactive by nature. I care. I get things done. I always have. Realising that has been huge for me, because it means I am no longer viewing myself through someone else’s cruelty.

I have learned that I enjoy both peace and people. I love quiet sometimes. I value my own headspace, my own thoughts, and the calm. But I also love intellectual conversations, banter, humour, and talking to people who stimulate my mind. I enjoy connection.

I enjoy laughter. I enjoy depth. The difference now is that I understand myself better. I know that needing space does not mean I am cold, and enjoying people does not mean I cannot also enjoy solitude. I have found more peace within myself by understanding that both can exist together.

Most importantly, I have learned that I am a good mother.

That one matters the most.

When you are told over and over that you are a bad mum, it chips away at you. No matter how hard you try, those words can settle somewhere deep. But now I can say with certainty: it was not true.

My children are my life. They are everything to me. And nothing makes that clearer than the way they love me, the way they hug me, the way they want to be around me, and the way they tell me I am a great mum. Children know where they feel safe. They know where love lives. And I do not need to carry someone else’s lies about me anymore.

What I am learning now is that healing is not always dramatic.

Sometimes it looks like hugging more. Cooking again. Laughing when the baking goes wrong. Enjoying a quiet moment. Having a proper conversation. Letting yourself believe good things about who you are. Letting your children’s love remind you of the truth.

I am not becoming someone new.

I am becoming myself again.