Online Dating Is Actually a Disease

I swear online dating is one of the most humbling things a woman can put herself through.

You go on there in a decent mood, maybe even feeling nice about yourself for once. You upload a few good pictures, tell yourself to keep an open mind, and think maybe, just maybe, there might be one normal man left in the world.

There isn’t.

What there is, though, is an endless supply of pretty boys, man whores, emotionally unavailable men, desperate weirdos, and those ones who act like they want a wife but actually just want attention and somewhere to dump their issues.

And before anyone starts, yes, I’m speaking from experience. Unfortunately.

I’ve been on the apps, off the apps, deleted them in rage, downloaded them again out of boredom, and then sat there staring at my phone thinking why am I actually doing this to myself.

The pretty boys are always the first trap. They’re the ones with the unreal jawline, the nice teeth, the gym pictures, maybe one photo in a suit just to really finish you off. And every single time I think, right, maybe this one will surprise me. Maybe he’ll be fit and have a personality.

No. Never. Not once.

You match, and the conversation goes something like this:

“Hey you alright x”

You reply. You try to be normal. You ask questions. You carry the full thing on your back like a dying Victorian wife. And all you get back is “yeah”, “haha”, “gym”, “just chilling”, “not much u”.

It’s like talking to a really attractive wall.

I’ve genuinely sat there before thinking, you are so beautiful, but I would rather have a deep conversation with a fork.

Then you get the man whores. God loves a trier, but these men need a rota system and a spreadsheet. These are the ones who come across all serious at first. “I’m not into games.” “I want something real.” “I’m too grown for drama.”

That usually means he is currently chatting to twelve women, has met up with three, still sleeps with an ex, and somehow thinks he’s the victim in all of it.

I’ve had that exact type before. Proper attentive in the beginning. Messaging all the time. Saying the right things. Making out like there was genuine interest. And then later on you realise he’s basically running his own little community outreach programme. Everybody’s had a turn. Your mate’s seen him on there. Someone else says, “I matched with him last month.” Another girl says, “He messaged me too.”

At that point you’re not dating, you’re just standing in a queue.

Then there are the desperate wannabees. These ones are a lot, and I mean a lot, very quickly. You’ve barely said hello and they’re already acting like this is some great love story. They start calling you beautiful every five minutes, talking about how hard dating is, how they’ve “never felt a connection like this before”, and asking what you’re looking for in a man before they’ve even proved they can hold a conversation.

I had one before who was basically halfway through planning our future after about a day and a half. Calm down. We haven’t even established whether I actually fancy you yet. Why are we mentally decorating a house together?

It’s not romantic. It’s panic with a phone charger.

And then, the worst ones of all in my opinion, the emotionally unavailable men. Because the others are annoying, but these ones are the ones that actually waste your time properly.

These are the men who seem different at first. You can talk to them. They seem switched on. They ask real questions. You think, finally, a man with depth. Finally, someone who doesn’t communicate like a smashed Nokia.

Then after you start relaxing a bit, after you start thinking maybe this could go somewhere, they change.

Not fully. That would be too straightforward.

They just start pulling back enough to make you confused. Still there, but different. Still messaging, but colder. Still interested, but not enough to be clear. And when you finally ask what’s going on, they come out with the usual nonsense about not being ready, not wanting anything serious, having a lot going on, needing to focus on themselves.

Why were you on me every day then?

That’s the bit that does my head in. If you are emotionally unavailable, fine. Stay away from people then. Stop collecting women for comfort and attention when you know full well you cannot offer anything stable. It’s selfish.

I’ve dealt with that kind before, and it’s exhausting, because they always leave you feeling like you imagined it all. Like maybe you asked for too much. When really all you asked for was consistency, honesty, and basic emotional maturity, which apparently is now too much to expect from a grown man.

Then there are the ghosters. Absolutely spineless behaviour.

I don’t care how common it is now, I still think it’s rude. You can be talking to someone, getting on really well, making plans, and then all of a sudden they vanish like they’ve been drafted into war.

I’ve had that happen, and it is so irritating because it makes you go back over everything. Did I say something weird? Was I too much? Did he get back with an ex? Has he died? Has he been arrested? And most of the time the answer is much less dramatic.

He’s just ignorant and lacks the decency to send one honest text.

That’s it. That’s the mystery. Not mystery. Just immaturity.

And let’s not forget the ones who are still obsessed with their ex. Why do they always find their way onto dating apps before they’ve done even one ounce of healing? You’ll be having a normal conversation and somehow her name enters it. Or they start telling you about what she did to them, how badly she treated them, how much it messed them up. And suddenly you realise you’re not on a date, you’re in a counselling session you didn’t agree to host.

I’ve had that too, where you can just feel that another woman is still living in his head rent free, and you’re basically there to distract him. No thanks. I am not here to help a man rediscover himself. Go journal. Go to therapy. Go to the gym and stare at a wall. Leave me out of it.

And to be fair, I’ve had to check myself as well. Because online dating teaches you a lot, mostly against your will. I’ve ignored red flags before. I’ve made excuses for men I shouldn’t have. I’ve thought maybe he’s just busy, maybe he’s just been hurt, maybe he’s just bad at texting.

No. He’s not bad at texting. He’s bad at effort.

That’s one thing I’ve definitely learned from my own experience. When someone likes you, you can tell. When someone wants to see you, you can tell. When someone is serious, you can tell. It should not feel like detective work. You should not need a team meeting and a whiteboard to work out whether a man is interested in you.

Online dating really is just full of people wanting the benefits of closeness without the responsibility of it. They want attention, validation, flirting, nudes, emotional support, and someone to boost their ego, but the minute real effort or honesty is required, they suddenly go missing or start acting confused.

And honestly, I am tired.

Tired of pretty faces with nothing behind the eyes. Tired of men who think being inconsistent is mysterious. Tired of the fake-intense ones who fall in love in six minutes. Tired of the ones who are still in love with someone else. Tired of men wanting access to women they have absolutely no intention of treating properly.

It is bleak out here.

But it has also made me realise I’d rather be on my own than deal with nonsense just for the sake of saying I’ve got someone. Because some of these men do not bring peace, love, stability, or even decent conversation. They just bring confusion, mixed signals, audacity, and an eye twitch.

So yes, I’ve had my own experiences with all of them. The pretty boys. The players. The emotionally stunted ones. The desperate ones. The unavailable ones. And every single one has added a little chapter to the same lesson: just because a man is interested in you for five minutes does not mean he deserves access to you.

Anyway, I’ll probably delete the apps, say I’m done for good, and then re-download them at some point when I’m bored and feeling delusional.

As is tradition.